"Don't come to this church expecting to be fed. - Unless you're willing to help feed others."
"Come late. Kneeling room only."
" 'Nobody's perfect'? Well, there's an exception to every rule ..."
"Jesus died for His brothers and sisters. The least you can do is move to the center of the pew for them."
"We're tired of doing church, too. Whaddya say we just follow Christ?"
"Sometimes you can find coins in the pew cushions."
"None of the other churches wanted our kind. You know, our kind: Sinners."
"Come Sunday for the improvisational performance. Our PowerPoint projector's down."
"Drop by Sunday. You never know when God may show up, too."
"Church dismissed this Sunday night. We decided to go paint an old lady's house instead."
"Come sit in our regular pew and see how Christlike we act about it."
"Services for all ages: Mesozoic, Jurassic, Triassic ...."
"We believe in evolution. In fact, we're for making talking serpents an endangered species."
"Special memorial Sunday for all those who died in the services. First and second services."
"Our elders have approved using eBay when selling your goods to give to the poor."
"Ananias and Sapphira might have gotten away with it if they hadn't driven the Bentley and the Rolls to church."